Thank you for coming back to read part two of my story. If you’re just now tuning in, check out part one; to be aware of an abused child.
So why didn’t I ever speak up and talk to anyone about it? Aaahhh, and now we get to the third corner of our triangle. Well, for starters, Honor Thy Mother And Thy Father. My background is Catholic. And though my mother and step-dad joined one of those non-denominational churches but never really had a strong focus of God in the house, I knew the 10 Commandments and often heard that one in particular echo in my mind. If I told, I’d dishonor her. The whole family, actually. Would anyone even believe me? It would devastate my grandmother. And the part about my grandmother was the part that worried me the most. More than my mother, I couldn’t hurt her.
But still, the woman was my mother. And, I was (am) her child. What’s that funky little thing that all children (even as a teen) give their parents?
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
I loved her. Didn’t she love me? Wasn’t it automatic that all mommy’s loved their kids? Maybe, if I just tried a little harder, or kept out of the way, or……. if I just take it, it’ll be over with soon and then she’ll be happy again. She does love me. She’s just angry with me.
Now I’m a mother. Sadly, this horrifyingly scary way of reacting to stress has been passed to me. Actually, maybe learned is a better term. I don’t know. But I know that when I’m stressed, anxiety high, angry, overly-tired, I feel this reaction coming from within me. I get tense. My hands quiver, and sometimes clench. My shoulder and forearms flex. And then…… I get control of myself, take a deep breath, walk out of the room if I have to. I fucking refuse to ever let my children be placed in the position in their lives to have to question my love and loyalty to them. To be a mother, to have and love, and almost die for my children, I look back at everything I went through and feel a strong hatred for the woman who is my mother. Or, I did. We no longer speak, actually. Over her starting facebook drama (it’s ok, you can laugh) on my page, I decided that I had had enough and was no longer going to subject myself to the constant negativity and verbal shit storm I so frequently had to deal with. I was done constantly walking on eggshells, even as an adult, so as to try and not upset her. I was over ….all of it. It all came to a head, and I reflected on all the past years, and months, and weeks, and days, and decided it was time to just close that chapter and move on. When I did, the fog finally lifted. The hatred, the remorse, the wishing and hoping had all been lifted.
But, that’s not my point…. let me get focused again…
the point: What is there to be aware of?
I think back and reflect on it all and really am not sure how to recognize what about me would be a signal to know what I was going through. So how do I tell YOU what to look for in another child? How can you be aware of an abused child, when the truth is that most of us sit in silence?
Does the kid crave attention, but get on your nerves? Shy away from a hug? Not feel comfortable participating in a group setting? Seem slightly introverted? <- all some of MY traits (past and present) that I now think are products of the environment that I grew up in.
Show everyone kindness. Even the annoying kid. Always be encouraging. Be loving. There is a chance that the kid/child/teen in front of you who looks completely normal on the outside, is hurting very much on the inside. You may be the breath of fresh air that child needs at the moment. To feel really normal. To feel some self worth. To feel that it’s possible to be really loved. I may not be able to tell you exactly how to recognize an abused child, or to be aware of child abuse, but I can tell you that every child deserves to be loved and treated like a human being.
thank you so much for sharing your story. As mother’s we all get frustrated at times, but there is line that shouldn’t be crossed. thanks again
Every child does deserve that love. And you are opening my eyes about this important issue. Thank you for sharing something so personal.
Thank you for part 2, too! More huge hugs! Such a tough topic and you are amazing for opening your heart. XOXO
I just want to say I am very sorry this is your childhood experience, childhood is a very fleeting BUT, oh so precious, moment in time and to hear this breaks my heart for you! I. On the other hand, you are such an amazing person and mother that I am in awe by you! I know in my heart that you were always amazing and nothing could or would be able to break or hide that about you. I look at your husband and children and know how lucky they are to have you and how lucky I am to share a part of you too! I LOVE YOU!
I never, ever comment on blogs but this one hit me to the core. This is my history too. My parents were never divorced…he was just gone for work all the time. She was left at home with 3 little ones and a broken dream of her own (never got to have the career she wanted). Her only defense/reaction was anger and bitterness. Screaming, hitting, slapping, etc. We always felt we were her burden and not her gift. It’s strange to think about it now but I too used to be afraid to have someone hug me. I would avoid it at all costs. Also, to my knowledge she has never said she loves me. Never once, even now. I’ve never admitted that to anyone before but there it is. I could go on and on… Thankfully I had others who stepped in (girl scout leaders, friend’s moms) and gave me some support and safety when I needed it. Our “ending” has been a bit different, too. As an adult things have changed for the better. I worked for about 10 years to build a relationship (not rebuild, just build at all) and we are on good terms now. I won’t EVER forget my childhood but hope that some day I can get my own do-over with a child of my own like you’ve had. A chance to do it better. Sorry this is so long but I’m so proud of you for surviving and THRIVING! Keep writing…even the quiet ones like me are listening.
Love this. and LOVE YOU.