Losing weight isn’t easy. There’s always a bit of a struggle, though some people struggle less than others. Every body is different. And it’s not just the person and/or how we manage our body, but how the inside of the body ticks.
As I said in my first getting fit post, ‘time to dump the chunk‘, lack of exercise has been one of my struggles. But, it’s so much more than that, and I didn’t really elaborate on that before. Though I wanted to talk more about diet and the foods I eat in this post, after having a week of struggle, stress, and even anger, I thought I talk a little bit more in depth about it.
Since December I’ve put on a little over 20lbs. Did I have a regular exercise routine? No. I didn’t. But I was VERY active. From December to May I was solo-parenting, as my Mr. was deployed. My mornings started at 5am when my early bird son woke up. From there it was non-stop movement. Get my little guy ready for school, the get girls dressed and ready, drop him off, come home, be mommy to two very busy twin girls, clean and house-keep, and before I know it it’s time to get dinner ready, bath time, bed time, kiddos are sleeping and now I’m cleaning the kitchen and doing various chores around the house to prep for the next day. By the time that was all done and I FINALLY sat down it was usually between 8:30 and 9pm. I’d chit chat with a girlfriend for a bit, then start the dishwasher, make the coffee and head to bed. I was proud of myself if I remembered to eat. A lot of times I juiced just so I could sip on something throughout the day and know I was getting some sort of nutrition. I would have little snacks here and there, and eat a little dinner with the kids, but to be honest I didn’t sit down at the table with them a lot of evenings because if I did my momentum would stop and I’d crash hard. And even with my husband home, this is still pretty much my daily routine. My point is that though I did not, until recently, have a workout routine established, I was not at all sedentary. My diet wasn’t the best, and by that I mean I wasn’t eating poorly but I do recognize I wasn’t eating enough throughout the day, but still with the activity level I maintained all day every day, there was really no good reason why I should have gained so much weight. The doctors couldn’t understand it, and I sure couldn’t. I kept food journals, and activity logs, and still no clue.
But I knew. And I had all the symptoms and family history to back me up. I gave up on going to the doctors, because I didn’t want a diet pill, but I did want them to get to the bottom of the problem, and knew they wouldn’t. They wanted to blame my problem on stress and basically told me to just hang tight until my husband returned from deployment.
I mentioned symptoms. Depression, major anxiety, constipation, hair falling out, extremely dry skin all the time, and fatigue no matter how much sleep I got. I know, I kept active all day long, but the reason, aside from being a busy mommy, was that if I didn’t, if I sat down for just a moment, my body would crash and when it did it was really hard to recover from and get myself moving again. Anyone know what these symptoms all point to? Hypothyroidism.
And, I’m not really a hypochondriac. But I am in tune with my body and I know when something isn’t right. And I know something is not right. It was so hard looking at myself in the mirror and trying to put a name to my uber stress and constant sadness, and being down all the time. Hell, I wanted to blame it all on deployment as well!! So, I slapped a smile on my face, lace up my boots and kept on marching. I’ll be damned if I’m depressed, though I knew I couldn’t deny the anxiety and the physical symptoms. But still, I wanted to see if the hubs being home would help or change anything.
It didn’t. It hasn’t. The weight continued to creep on, and none of the other symptoms changed. And I hated it. I hated myself. I just hated…. or was pretty peeved. Not towards anyone, all inward. I looked in the mirror day after day and wondered where I went to. This person wasn’t me. The real me is happy. The real me can pick up and leave the house and go anywhere I want to and not freak out and stress and be a ball of nerves the moment going anywhere as been decided. The me I used to know was confident. The me I wanted back used to really love life. I hated myself for not being this person anymore and hated myself even more for not being able to bring her back. I mean, it’s ME so why the hell not???
Because, as I’ve known, something is wrong in my body that is beyond my control.
So, lets get to the current day. Hubs is home, life is good (despite the paragraph above, kids are healthy and everything was generally OK so despite my inner war everything was good). It’s time to concentrate on me. It’s time to get right and get my back in focus and back on track.
I call the Naval Hospital, NHCP, and make an appointment to have my thyroid tested. I wanted a referral to an endocrinologist. But, I know that this basic panel is going to come up showing that my numbers are normal and I know that because of this I will not get a referral to the endo and that will be that. How do I know this? Because it’s exactly what happened to my mother. Right about at the age I am now, she started gaining major weight, though she never tried to ever work it off. And she had a desk job. But still she would go to the doctor and get her thyroid tested, and every single time it would come back showing her levels were within the normal range. So the doc would never go any farther than that. Until she finally reached over 250lbs. At which point the doc still couldn’t figure out why and sent her to an endo, ‘just to see’ basically. Come to find out her thyroid was completely inactive. Can we all say whiskeytangofoxtrot? And at that point it’s pretty much too late. And I knew this would be me. Oh, and here’s the kicker, because I’m on Tricare Prime and signed up at NHCP I can’t go any farther than my main provider if Tricare decides to deny my referral request. Because they would of course know my body and my health needs more than I would. *sigh and grrrr*
I was right. The panel came back showing my levels were normal. Do you know how helpless it feels to know without a doubt from the bottom of my heart that my body is not ticking right and I can’t do anything about it?? It’s horrible.
The doctor tried to sympathize with me, and said she’d try to push the referral anyway, but said it more than likely won’t go through. It hasn’t. It’s been denied. Oh, but due to my anxiety she did manage to get me a referral to see a psychologist. She also recommended that I try some b-vitamin supplements. Oh!! And?? Gastric bypass surgery. Nope. Not even joking about that one. Folks, if I was brave enough to show you a picture of myself I would, but I’m not so I’m not going to. But let me assure you I should not even be considered for this procedure. But apparently Tricare would approve me for that before they would approve me to see an endocrinologist. I wish someone would explain to me why the system is so fracked.
Anyway, so fine. For now I’m on my own. Because I refuse to even consider that surgery right now, and I can see that I’m not really going to get the help I feel I need from the doctor, so once again I’m shutting that door. For now.
But yes, I’m on my own. Luckily, working out more has helped, and I am trying to eat more often throughout the day. In the meantime, I’m enlisting some extra help.
Friday I went to a local weight loss clinic where I could get some b-vitamin complex shots. I know that they can help with anxiety, and metabolism, so why not? Before you do anything like that you need to speak with their doctor or nurse practitioner. I did. And? She is also a Marine wife, and fully aware of our jacked up healthcare system. She told me 85% at least, if not more, of the people she sees (who are military) she knows are suffering from hypothyroidism, and because they can’t get the help they need end up at that clinic. Because? We’re desperate for help and can’t just get to the one specialist who would be able to completely turn our world around. Just talking to her helped me feel so much better. She completely understood what I was going through, and gave me tips to help get through the system, which she agreed that as we are PCS’ing soon it’ll probably be good to go at it again once we’re moved and settled. So for now, B shots, and she also gave me some other options to look at and consider. What are they? The same b-vitamin complex injections that I’m taking, along with two fat burners; liptropic and l-carnitine. I’m sure some people will point their fingers at me, shake their heads, and even judge me. You know what? I don’t care. I’m not just overweight, I’m actually considered obese for my age and height. Would that mean I stop working out and getting into a good, healthy cardio routine? No. Because eventually I’m going to get this body back in shape, and my weight and size under control and once I’m there I’m going to maintain it, and I can’t do that if I’m not working out. I know this. As I’ve said before, I need exercise. Bottom line. There’s no avoiding that, and I don’t want to. But, right now what I do want is to attack this fat as aggressively as possible, and that means I will take into consideration different options and do my research into what I feel is best for me. FOR ME. Not you or anyone else.
Another option I am considering and moving forward with is the referral for the psychologist. Believe me, that doesn’t excite me at all. But, hey, you never know. Some people dramatically lose weight with stress. I am not one of those people. I know that anxiety can be a factor in weight gain. I also know that it really won’t hurt anything to just go and see if I can get that under control, and that I’ll be a better person for it. So… fine. I’ll go.
I’m not going to give up on seeing an endocrinologist, and will pursue that more once we’ve PCS’d and settled. Why? Basically insurance (tricare) logistics, and I don’t feel like fighting it all now knowing that by the time I finally do push through we’ll be on the exit ramp. So I feel it’s best to wait. For now. With family history, so many presenting symptoms, my gut feeling (which, ask my husband, it’s almost always right), and so many others who feel the same way I do and also think I need to see an endocrinologist, it’s not something I’m going to give up.
For now, though, I keep fighting, and working, and moving.
Lastly, I’d like to say that, if you made it all the way to the end of this post, I appreciate you reading. I know this one was super long. I had a lot to say, and a lot of it, I’ll admit, I’m not completely comfortable saying. But, I’ve received some comments and, surprisingly, a lot of emails from readers thanking me for my transparency. So, I want to make sure that I always maintain that, and in doing so I needed to give you ‘the rest of the story’ (in my best Paul Harvey voice).
